Mommy Monday

A few things that I should mention before I launch into the many things that have been on my mind lately is 1. I’ve been absent and slacking in my writing for what I felt were valid reasons but could be considered excuses as well so I’m working on that and 2. Happy International womens day today or Happy V jay jay day whichever u prefer lol. Today I’m not necessarily going to write about being a mom although this does encompass every role I have in my life but I’m gonna talk about an epiphany I had the other day about people’s comments to me and my responses and feelings after because of it. So for anyone new here I have an autoimmune disease called lupus and over the last few years I’ve really struggled to find myself after a diagnosis that essentially changed my whole world. A part of me died when I got sick, my brain and my heart were at war with each other on what I thought and felt. I sunk into a bad depression, started drinking while taking all these meds they kept throwing at me to try and it led me to a point where I almost took my own life. I felt defeated, worthless, less than, so many things I couldn’t come to terms with. My children saved me that day. I thought of them and how they would view and feel about what I considered a very cowardly thing to do. Now before I get hated on for saying that my mother attempted suicide 3 times from the time I was 18 to 23 and the third time I honestly think she meant business somebody was watching over her that day but no child should ever have to clean up after that. I had to gather the letters she laid in a row, pick up the pill bottles and gather her things it was horrible and I remember being soooo angry with her. And thinking you fucking coward how could u be so selfish to make such a mess of your life and leave me to clean it up. That memory and my children saved me that day, it gave me a strength I’d forgotten I had. Nobody goes through what I did with my mother, raising my brothers, having kids of my own going through life and not come out of it with strength, resilience and deeply humbled. So for 2 years now I’ve been working on finding myself again, being a better mother, friend and human being. I’m learning who I am with this disease and in this process is where I had my epiphany. You see I would get so angry when I saw people or comments made on my photos or videos about how “you look fine” . Or the digs about me unable to work now when I “look fine”. I’d get so defensive because people only see me when I’m having a good day and therein lies my aha moment. I had no right getting mad or upset about what they said, it was accurate. The blame lies at my own feet because I’ve been unable to allow people to see when I’m not fine and when it’s bad. I hide it, I cover my face in makeup or I don’t leave the house. I most certainly don’t let anyone see me curled up in a ball crying or crawling to the bathroom because I can’t walk there. That needs to change we need to normalize not being ok, I need to show my pain as much as my successes in order to be authentically myself. Lupus is not pretty, it’s not fun, it’s hard and pushes my limits everyday. I just wanted who I was back that I made myself even more sick pushing my body past its limits. I’m going to share the not pretty and all I ask is if u have something negative to say please keep it to yourself and if you can’t then don’t be upset with the response your negativity will get.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

You may wonder why now? Why say anything now and the answer is I can’t be 100 percent myself if I’m hiding parts of me too. It doesn’t work that way. So today on womens day of all days I celebrate myself the good, the bad, the ugly and take this first step into normalizing not being ok all the time. I appreciate all the support I have and the people who have come into my life just when i needed them most. Everyday is a struggle and full of pain but I’m learning and believing more each day I’m capable of doing this, I’m capable of chasing dreams that I thought would never happen and I’m capable of sharing all of myself and my story. My hope is that anyone who understands this in any way knows your not alone. That is all I can say

Love a very thankful to be alive Magnolia xx