I wish I could start this post with joy and the positivity I usually feel and put forth, but I can’t, not today. I am firmly on the struggle bus for the last month and a bit, I’ve had so many beautiful and good things happen that could usually overshadow the negative things but I’m overwhelmed, emotions are all over, imposter syndrome, self-doubt and overthinking have been solid bed mates this last while.
Sitting down to write this post I found my thoughts jumbled, and my emotions high, I’ve cried and closed the laptop, to come back and try again, yet still struggle to summarize what I’m thinking and feeling, what I’m wanting to say and how to get my point across about my realities without sounding self-deprecating in the process. Most of my readers know I wrote my first novel and published it in January, crossing off a huge dream from my bucket list. I started writing book 2 shortly after and was doing quite well until I ran into a stone wall mentally. Imposter syndrome is a very real thing and I feel it in spades. The words haven’t been flowing and all the glowing reviews have me worried I can’t produce another good book which has me questioning why I did this to begin with , was it a one time thing, should i just quit while I’m ahead, and so on. I’ve struggled to be present for this blog which I love and I feel stuck.
Writing aside I’ve also faced health challenges in the last while, my flare-ups have been harder to manage, my emotions have been harder to maintain, I had two cysts removed from my face, and am losing my hair. I make jokes about just buying wigs and then I can pretend to be somebody else, spice up the bedroom but it’s a lie to cover the fact I feel I’m losing more and more of myself to these diseases wreaking havoc on my body. Positive Patty has left the building in a hurry and Debbie Downer is making her bed smirking at me in all her glory. I hate it.
As a mother, this year which is only half a year in has seen our son turn 18, becoming an adult and soon to graduate high school. We pulled our youngest from school and into online school due to bullying and harassment. Seeing the change in her grades and behavior for the positive has been a blessing and I couldn’t be prouder. I’ve also seen my oldest struggle to leave an abusive relationship and learn the hard way actions have consequences, words spoken in anger can’t be fixed with I’m sorry, and facing a reality she had no plans for, with a tiny human needing her more than ever. It’s devastating as a parent to see your children flounder and fall, they aren’t young anymore I can’t kiss it better and a band-aid magically fixes it. I can’t fight the monsters under the bed or out in the world for them and it hurts the heart. We hope as parents we raise our kids to go out into the world and have the tools necessary to survive but nobody prepared us for the world we live in now.
A world so filled with hate and discontent. A world where we question everything we say so we don’t offend anyone, where we use social media to hide behind our shitty behavior, and where bullying, abuse, and malice are on a 24-hour clock with no days off. Where women demean other women and men are scared to talk about their feelings. Suicide is higher than ever. Women are facing jail time over the right to their own decisions about their bodies. You can’t love who you wish and you can’t express who you are because it’s deemed wrong. All of these things run rampant in my head every day making me fear for the future I’m sending my children out into the world for.
The highs are really high and the lows are really low, it’s leaving me in constant unrest trying to pull myself back up and be present for those that really need me right now. Actions speak louder than words and practicing what I’m preaching is hard, I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have any answers that would help healthily lol. The curse of the mama bear. I am lucky to be surrounded by great humans who will get in the trenches with me, swim in it, and pull me back out if I’m getting too comfortable. Amazing friends that remind me it’s ok, I’m doing okay and give me that dose of reality when needed. I am acknowledging my feelings and thoughts, they are valid and I am doing my best to get up each day, practice gratitude, value the small things, and give myself the credit it deserves for trying. Trying on good days and more when trying on the hard days. Life is really messy right now but it won’t be forever so I need to focus on what is in my control and let go of what isn’t right?
This Wellness Wednesday didn’t go as planned, it’s messy, real and honest which I hope as you read this resonates with you in some small measure. I hope you find yourself nodding at parts, up in your feels and know you are not alone. I am here, I see you and I’m damn proud of you for trying, even when it’s hard. Sending anyone on the struggle bus with me all the love, patience and kindness you need for yourself and I’ll meet you on the other side of it.
Love an unwell but still trying, Magnolia xx
Rustic Magnolia 